Guest post by Dr. Jenev Caddell
Today I want to share what love is all about and how you can declutter your negative patterns in love so that you can feel freed up to be happier and stronger as a couple.
The negative patterns that so many couples fall basically come down to a form of…you guessed it: Baggage.
We’ve all got it.
Problem is, we don’t always realize it.
First, let’s talk about what love really is about.
No one tells you this, but a strong relationship is built on the foundation of a safe and secure emotional connection. Intellectual, physical and spiritual connections are important too, of course, but our emotional connections are really where it’s at when it comes to love.
When we feel disconnected from our partners emotionally, it can literally register in our brains as a threat. Some neuroscientists indicate that our brains go into a “primal panic” when that disconnect arises, because from an evolutionary perspective, this potential loss of connection is a threat on our survival.
In other words, old ways of dealing with emotional disconnection.
Many of us don’t know what to do what to do with this emotional disconnection when it comes up, or, we don’t even recognize it.
So, because of what worked at one point in our lives because of how we were brought up, we either FLOOD with emotions or we SHUT DOWN with them.
As a result, we get into negative cycles with our partner where we spiral in negative cycles of disconnect.
It’s time to declutter those negative patterns.
How do you do that?
Start by recognizing that you have a negative pattern with your partner.
Perhaps you get flooded with your emotions and come at your partner with frustration and venom, and your partner shuts down. The more your partner shuts down, the more angry you get, and the more angry you get, the more your partner shuts down.
See that negative pattern?
Around and around you go.
When you can step outside this pattern and recognize it, you are already taking steps toward decluttering it.
You know the saying how nothing can unite people more than a common enemy?
Make that negative pattern your bitch, unite together against it.
Finally, it’s you and your partner against something else, instead of you and your partner against each other.
Some partners call it the storm, the hurricane, the tidal wave…name it together.
How do you know when the pattern is coming up?
It’s good first know what your role is when you get caught up in it. Do you tend to get heated up and verbal and (let’s just be honest) hostile? Or are you more likely to ice out your partner and shut down?
When you find yourself getting into those familiar emotional places, it’s a good idea to STOP and say, “hey, I feel like we’re getting into (insert name of pattern.)”
That’s a cue to slow down and ask yourself what’s REALLY happening.
It’s a cue for you two as a couple to just STOP and be curious about what’s really happening – one step further will only get you more swept away into the negative pattern.
When you can stop and pay attention, ask yourself – what’s going on for you underneath the surface experience?
There’s always more going underneath the surface for both of you.
Couples usually find themselves having much more raw and vulnerable feelings buried underneath, such as fear, disappointment, sadness, helplessness…
If you can connect from that deep, vulnerable place in a safe way with your partner…THAT’s where you’ll be able to create a much more intimate and meaningful connection.
Being able to do this takes AWARENESS, STOPPING the pattern, CURIOSITY, and RISK to actually turn to your partner with those raw feelings.
You then must be RESPONSIVE and SUPPORTIVE of each other to clear out that negative pattern and form a new, stronger and much more fulfilling connection.
That old pattern exists to keep you protected, but you can’t keep yourself protected if you wish to be your best and strongest in love.
Dr. Jenev Caddell is the successful business owner’s relationship coach, and helps entrepreneurs thrive in business and in love. Learn more about Jenev and test YOUR relationship at www.mybestrelationship.com, or follow her on Facebook (www.facebook.com/mybestrelationship), Twitter, Instagram (www.instagram.com/mybestrelationship), and LinkedIn. She’d also love to have you in her Facebook Group: Thriving in Business and Love.